Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2008-03-31T22:17:00

2008-04-01T00:49:06Z

I saw this commercial, it was for insecticide. Or something. Not important. Here's the point: Ninjas.

A horde of tiny CG ninjas entered an ant hill and started slaughtering the residents. I'm serious. One hopped up onto an ant's head and thrust his katana down into it. I can honestly say it was the most bad ass yard-care commercial I've ever seen.

I'm headed to Home Depot or some place right now to see if I can get myself a a few tiny ninja clans. And then, of course, comes the tiny clan wars.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2008-03-22T06:13:00

2008-03-22T08:53:06Z

Alcohol, depression, and 6 AM are a poor mix. And here I thought they'd be fun together. Well, maybe if there were other people around...

Should I walk to a coffee shop or something? Find a random couple, vomit on their table, and explain to them how I know better than everyone else? That doesn't sound half bad.

I have the strangest urge to converse with a robot right now. One with a British accent, and delicate sensibilities. Yes. This is what I desire.

Also: bacon. I crave bacon. Greasy and plentiful. I'm off to find an innocent young pig.

-Will

Holy Crap

2008-02-28T04:21:38Z

http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/page/1

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2008-02-06T03:57:00

2008-02-06T07:29:02Z

http://www.tatom.org/documents/CNN.com-StudyNewstudyshows.htm

If only you could see my huge shit-eating grin right now...

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2008-01-03T05:11:00

2008-01-03T09:20:11Z

So it's all over the news. The big, monumental change. It's all anyone's been talking about, and with such a vocal issue, with so many differing opinions, you find yourself wondering "What does Will think?"...well, I guess it's about time I weighed in and put your minds to rest.

Toilets. After all these years it turns out they're living, intelligent creatures. Yeah yeah, big shock, one more thing it turns out we didn't know. Anyway, now the issue is "What do we do?". My stance? We eat, sleep, breathe, and defecate same as we ever did.

So we've been enslaving these creatures and forcing our disgusting excrement down their throats for God knows how long. Big deal. When people look back on this centuries from now, it's not like it's gonna stand out from any of the other fucked up things humanity has done. The toilets are used to it by now, and changing our ways would just be a nuisance. I mean, as soon as you can provide me with a new convenient method of getting my feces far, far away from me, a method that doesn't involve any installation, I'll set my toilet free. Until then, though, the thing is just gonna have to put up with shit for breakfast.

Some people have said that outhouses are a relatively cheap and easy substitute. Fuck that. Digging is hard. I'd rather put up with the toilet begging me to kill it day in and day out for the rest of my life than have to dig a hole for an outhouse. Plus, I can live with committing an unspeakable act of cruelty, but leaving my house every time I need to relieve myself? Not ever gonna happen.

Bottom line: It's easier to just keep the toilets enslaved. You really wanna help them? Find a new hole for crap to go into. Oh, and make sure you stab it before it goes in my home, 'cause I'll be damned if I'm gonna make another change the next time we find out we've been committing a horrifying atrocity.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-12-31T14:15:00

2007-12-31T17:56:29Z

I read comic books. I like comic books. It's a hobby. But...

I hate comic book fans. I hate them very, very much. I pray that each and every one of them wake up tomorrow to find jagged, rusty things lodged in their rectums.

I'd explain, but all this hate has made me sleepy.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-11-05T22:13:00

2007-11-06T01:53:54Z

Something caught my eye when I was checking my e-mail today. Actual headline from MSN today:

"Paris Supports Troops' Boners"

Excerpt:

Dressed in a strapless, camo dress that barely covered her bottom, stockings held up by a garter belt, high heels and a jaunty camo hat, Paris said her costume was in support of "the troops."

So, uh...the headline wasn't a typo or poor wording or anything. It meant exactly what it said. Boners.

(Insert joke about hard-hitting journalism here)

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-10-16T16:02:00

2007-10-16T18:32:28Z

They cut off my cable.

Now I have to cut off their fucking heads.

-Will

Just so you know...

2007-10-09T21:32:36Z

Still alive, still bored, still hate my computer.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-08-27T15:43:00

2007-08-27T18:29:11Z

For those of you who are very easily entertained, I've discovered that adding ad slogans to the word sodomy can be fun. Observe:

Sodomy. It's what's for dinner.
Sodomy. The other white meat.
Sodomy. Just do it.
Sodomy. Think outside the bun.
Sodomy. The San Fransisco treat.
Sodomy. It's finger lickin' good.
Sodomy. Obey your hunger.
Sodomy. I'm lovin' it.
Sodomy. Mm mm good.
Sodomy. Are you in good hands?
Sodomy. Have it your way.
Sodomy. Wake up with the king.
Sodomy. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Add your own.

Also, something has occurred to me. Given the ingredients that go into mayonnaise, isn't it a little disturbing that people spread it on chicken sandwiches? Think about it.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-08-10T09:51:00

2007-08-10T13:23:02Z

"I feel like writing something."

"What do you feel like writing?"

"I dunno. Nothing, I guess."

"Well, that should be easy."

"Agreed."

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-07-27T18:14:00

2007-07-27T22:26:50Z

Because Ashley claimed to know nothing about my life, here's a typical 24 hours for me:

4:30PM- Woke up, checked time, wondered where Harley was.

5:15PM- Got out of bed, expelled waste, put on pants.

5:25PM- Took off pants. That ball of fire in the sky is becoming irritating. Shook fist at it, swore that it's time would come.

5:45PM- Sat down at the computer with a bowl of cereal. Admired my spoon. Admired my reflection in the spoon. Checked some sites. Noted that people have in fact become dumber since yesterday. Dreaded what tomorrow may bring.

6:00PM- Found Harley. Asked him if he had evolved opposable thumbs yet. Wore a superior smirk when it turned out that he hadn't.

7:00PM- Went to friend's house. Did stuff.

1:00AM- Went to Tim Horton's. Drank stuff.

1:10AM- Got home. Started playing video games.

7:10AM- Noted that the ball of fire had returned. Regretted that I have so little time for games these days.

7:20AM- Got into a knife fight with a giant squid on a rickety bridge hanging over an active volcano. Had the advantage due to ability to actually hold a knife. Fight ended with a cheesy one-liner and an explosion. I assume the squid died in said explosion and now go about my life almost certain that I never have to worry about his return and the horrible vengeance that would ensue.

7:30AM to 4:30PM- Slept.

And here's a meme I promised I'd post. It's worded pretty poorly, isn't it?

1 - Tell you why I friended you.
2 - Associate you with a song/film.
3 - Tell a random fact about you.
4 - Tell a first memory about you.
5 - Associate you with a character/pairing.
6 - Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7 - Tell you my favorite user pic of yours [if it pertains].
8 - In retort, you must spread this disease in your LJ [or blog].

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-07-26T21:10:00

2007-07-27T00:46:02Z

"Have you ever thought about the effect that modern technology has on animals?"

"What, you mean like pollution and the destruction of natural habitats?"

"No, I was thinking more like, you know...strapping a jet pack onto a rhino. Think about it."

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-07-10T02:26:00

2007-07-10T06:17:51Z

What's there to post about?

Have I mentioned my sleeping pills on here? If I take a few of them and stay awake I feel compelled to do weird little things, like melt some wax and dip my fingers in it, then keep the little finger shells that are made when it dries. Or I fill a word document with these \/ until it covers the whole page and becomes a headache-inducing image.

The other day, this guy I know was trying to steer every conversation he heard towards spit fetishes. Girls spitting on each other, to be specific. Every time someone spoke, he accused them of having this fetish. "I don't see what that has to do with you watching girls spit on each other. Freak." That was fun.

Some guys shot a scene for some no-name, crap, indie horror movie in our back yard. The whole thing was surprisingly uninteresting.

Dr. Pepper is the drink that every other drink wishes it could be.

The mice have been quiet lately. I suspect they're laying low and preparing for one big, final assault on the kitchen.

That's it for now.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-06-02T06:33:00

2007-06-02T09:10:15Z

We need more Bob Ross. A world with more Bob Ross is a world with less violence. Bob Ross: The Motion Picture, 3 hours of happy accidents.

"Ah, what'd he do that for? He screwed up the painting!"
"No, wait...look! He turned it into a happy little bush!"
"Yay!"

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-05-08T09:22:00

2007-05-08T11:57:06Z

I could've gone the rest of my life blissfully unaware that such a thing as a diaper fetish exists...but no, the internet had to come along and shit all over that happy existence...

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom vomiting and weeping for mankind.

-Will

Sniff sniff...

2007-04-14T02:42:41Z

Ever changing, never pleasant, always rotten, always rancid.
It's the mysterious, vomit-inducing smell of the kitchen!
What smell will the kitchen reek of today? Let's go see!
Is that dead rat I detect? Or spoiled milk from under the stove?
Some answers, I suspect, man was not meant to have.
Just move quickly, stay focused, plug your nose, and do not dare breathe.
This is a place of dead things, and you'll join them if you do not heed my advice.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-03-29T06:32:00

2007-03-29T09:12:56Z

So, we've harnessed fire. We've invented the wheel. We've developed society, created technologies and medicines, shot men to the moon and we're looking into creating machines capable of actual thought. Oh, and peanut butter.

Given these achievements, I'm forced to wonder why I still have to clean the shit from my ass with wads of paper.

Where's my miracle "Poop-B-Gone" scented aerosol spray, you worthless bastards?

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-03-20T03:38:00

2007-03-20T06:40:14Z

After watching videos of drunk squirrels, a skiing ostrich, and bears that clap and wave to people in order to get treats, I've decided that animals are getting to be too clever. Solution? We need to start supplying them with massive quantities of cocaine. That ought to even things out a little.

Also, a local channel has started airing Twilight Zone marathons every weekend. I officially love this show now. One episode revolved around an odd group of people who had one day woken up in an empty room with no exit and no memory of who they were or how they got there. The revelation at the end reminded me of this post http://lord-of-spoons.livejournal.com/49498.html. It turned out (CRUSTY, OLD SPOILERS!) that they were all toys that had been dropped into a donation bin.

I need to find out if they ever collected these old episodes on DVD or something.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-02-27T08:51:00

2007-02-27T12:33:03Z

I've...ugh...I've got my old computer back. The one that helped me create all those posts about just how much a person can loathe an inanimate object.

Every time I sit down to it.

Every second.

Right now.

It reminds me how hatred can twist your stomach.

Do you know what it's like to have to use your mortal enemy, the very bane of your existence, to check your e-mail!? Un-FUCKING-pleasant.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-02-12T17:07:00

2007-02-12T20:07:58Z

CNN: Bringing you round the clock coverage on the mortal status of C-list celebrities.

Look out, supermarket trash magazines...there's a new journalistic powerhouse in town!

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-02-01T12:13:00

2007-02-01T15:13:52Z

Was gonna do a longer version of this, much more specific and backed by reasons, but it got frustrating, so...

I hate Lost. I hate everyone who's ever worked on it, everyone who's ever watched it, and every TV that's ever shown it. I want this shit to end. Explanations? I wanted explanations two seasons ago...now I just want to see Jack boiled in a giant cauldron. Give us one last look at the story to remind us how ridiculously slowly it moves, then blow everyone the fuck up. No explanation, no reason, no build up via the "Most Shocking Episode Ever!" commercial, just a massive inferno, roll credits, cancel series. PLEASE.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-01-23T07:03:00

2007-01-23T10:43:06Z

Floyd Kinney Jr., 49, pleading guilty in Northampton County, Pa., in December to indecent assault on two young girls, blamed the incidents on his wife's obsessive bingo habit, which he said took her out of the house "three, four times a week." (Said the judge, "Some people, when their wives aren't home, decide to clean the living room.") [Allentown Morning Call, 12-2-06]

Charles Littleton, 22, was defiant even after being Tasered by police when he resisted efforts to remove him from a Saginaw (Mich.) City Council meeting. He said he had to stand up for his right to wear his Los Angeles Dodgers baseball cap, despite a rule banning hats for men inside. "It means more than just a hat," he said. "It's like my crown. It's like asking a king to remove his crown." [WJRT-TV (Flint, Mich.), 11-13-06]

This is why you're supposed to visit www.newsoftheweird.com

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-01-18T06:22:00

2007-01-18T09:52:56Z

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1727961

Go now, thank me later.

...

With gold.

-Will

lord_of_spoons @ 2007-01-17T21:05:00

2007-01-18T00:05:56Z

Epic Movie. Why? Because the world just doesn't have enough Snakes on a Plane parodies or shots at Paris Hilton. Who knew that becoming a millionaire was as easy as going online and stealing the worst jokes about the most worn out topics you can find?

And since I'm here, and sort of on the subject...Paris Hilton. Stop bashing her, for the love of God. All I hear is how untalented she is, and how she doesn't deserve to be famous, and how you're so perplexed by the fact that you keep hearing about her. Why is she famous, you keep asking. Well, it might have something to do with the fact that you never shut the fuck up about her. She's famous because you idiots have made her famous, and keep her famous. Every time she takes a shit, the world is there to analyze the turd. Get over your obsession, and maybe then she'll go away.

-Will